Month: October 2024

This blog is about: 

In today’s fast-paced world, love and intimacy are often misunderstood or rushed, leaving many unsatisfied with their relationships and their own sense of fulfilment. Tantra delves into the powerful practice of Erotic Amorous Continence, which promises deeper connection, self-awareness, and lasting passion in relationships. In this article, I will share its profound impact on personal well-being and the dynamics of romantic relationships, and also reveal Tantric perspectives on masculinity.  

The Essence of Eros: Beyond Just Sex  

Tantra emphasizes that eros is not simply another term for sex. Rather, eros represents a deeper, more poetic way of living that transcends the act of physical intimacy. According to Tantra, there is a creative energy within each of us that can either be expressed through a superficial, objectifying form of sex, or in a way that leads us toward a greater sense of oneness and deeper love.  

Eros is about integrating our creative potential and desires in a way that exalts the spirit. While sex, as it’s commonly understood, may control us and diminish our energy, eros involves an intentional, soulful expression of love and connection. This distinction, is like the difference between sugar and honey: both are sweet to the tooth but the former is destructive while the latter nourishes.  

Eros vs. Platonic Love: Misunderstood Concepts  

We can draw on ancient philosophical debates, notably from Socrates and Plato, to highlight the concept of platonic love. Contrary to popular belief, platonic love is not about avoiding physical contact or suppressing desire but rather about not letting that sexual energy degrade the spirit diminish intimacy and the naturalness of love. In essence Platonic love can involve an intensely erotic relationship, but one that elevates the connection between two individuals, rather than reducing it to mere physical satisfaction.  

I have spent two decades teaching these principles, noting that while women are often more intuitively connected to the erotic experience, men typically require a significant reconfiguration of how they relate to love and intimacy. Men often struggle to bridge the gap between their everyday emotions and their intimate relationships, frequently reporting feelings of insecurity or frustration in the bedroom.  

Taboos and Instincts in intimacy  

Many of our challenges in love and intimacy stem from societal taboos and inherited instincts. Tantra argues that taboos, while originally intended to protect people from harmful behaviours, often prevent us from exploring and understanding the beneficial aspects of our desires and deeper needs.  

These taboos create inner tensions. Instead of learning why certain desires exist, we simply forbid them, which results in frustration and superficiality and in extreme cases perversity and porn addiction. Tantra advocates for a more thoughtful approach, one that involves re-educating ourselves about our desires and learning how to align them with our deeper emotional and spiritual needs.  

The Journey to Discovering Eros  

According to Tantra, understanding our longing for erotic fulfilment begins with self-inquiry. When we look deep within, we can identify a longing for fulfilment.  

However, this fulfilment is not achieved through instinctual, rushed actions. Instead, it requires a deeper exploration of what truly satisfies us. Often, the shallow satisfaction of quick, instinct-driven behaviours leaves us feeling unfulfilled and sad.  

Here we can stress that many barriers to experiencing authentic erotic fulfilment are self-inflicted and shaped by societal conditioning, particularly the influence of pornography. Tantra advises individuals to move beyond societal expectations and focus on what truly fulfils them on a personal level. Beyond the norm, there is a longing in the heart, and Tantra invites us to listen to the calling of the heart.  

Overcoming Inhibitions and Rediscovering our True Selves  

Inhibitions, like taboos, are protective mechanisms we create, but they often prevent us from truly connecting with our own desires. The example of nudity can be used to illustrate this: while we shower naked, many people are uncomfortable swimming in the ocean without clothes, or even being naked with the lights on with their beloved. These inhibitions distance us from our true selves, leading to anxiety, superficiality and frustration.  

Tantra likens the common state of modern sexuality to constant hunger, saying, “imagine that you are always hungry but you don’t know what food you’re hungry for. So you’re constantly hungry for something, but you don’t know what will fulfil you”. That’s very much the world of sexuality nowadays. Everybody is looking for something to fulfil them and nobody can find it. This frustration, compounded by the influence of societal norms, is like trying to quench our thirst with salty water, and keeps many people from experiencing true erotic fulfilment.  

Techniques for Erotic Amorous Continence  

Erotic Amorous Continence, a practice rooted in Tantra, involves controlling the creative energy and prolonging the act of love without ejaculation having multiple orgasms. This practice not only enhances physical pleasure, but also nurtures a deeper emotional and spiritual connection between partners.  

My journey began at 17, when my brother introduced me to Tantra, and it took me years of trial and error to master the technique. More than 20 years later, I am still constantly learning and aiming to improve. Through self-discipline, meditation, and (a lot of) practice, I learned how to savour the ecstatic experience of intimacy without the loss of energy that follows ejaculation. This experience was a turning point that propelled me toward self-mastery and transformed my approach to love and intimacy.  

The Shift of Losing the Energies  

During workshops, courses and coaching, I often observe how men nod and smile in agreement when discussing how, before ejaculation, men are energetic, charming, and highly motivated, but after ejaculation, there’s a noticeable decline in enthusiasm. Men often feel an instinctual need to retreat, which can leave their partners feeling rejected and disconnected. This moment of emotional and physical separation can be difficult for both partners, creating frustration that is rarely addressed openly.  

For men, this shift often comes with a sense of failure. They feel they haven’t fully satisfied their partner, leading to a subtle undercurrent of disappointment in both the man and the woman. This sense of failure arises from the deep contrast between how a man feels just before and immediately after ejaculation—a stark hormonal shift that is natural but not always understood or discussed.  

How Women Can Support Men  

For men looking to overcome this instinctual withdrawal, Erotic Amorous Continence offers a solution. This practice, rooted in yogic and tantric traditions, involves learning how to retain the creative potential without ejaculation while fully engaging erotically, allowing both partners to maintain connection and intimacy. Women play a vital role in supporting men on this journey, but the approach is key. Instead of pushing or pressuring, what I found most helpful is when women are encouraging, and become an inspiration – offering playful charm, patience, and focus on mutual growth.  

As an easy analogy, imagine an elephant being guided by someone holding a small handful of grass in front of it: it’s not about manipulation but about providing gentle encouragement.  

Many women try to ‘push’ the men, imposing their wishes on them, which often leads to mutual frustration.  

By staying patient and embodying love, tenderness, and softness, a woman helps the man stay alive, transforming and full of aspiration. At the same time, it’s important  that, in moments of relapse, women focusing on their own process of evolution and growth can lovingly hold space for improvement rather than accepting the lack of fulfilment erotically  as inevitable.

If you wish to dive deeper into the Art of Erotic Amorous Continence, join our fortnightly short course for men: Awaken the Hero, short course for women: Discover the Goddess, or our weekly Tantra course.