To truly discover who you are is a wonderful gift. A genuine spiritual path will lead to the revelation of your true self and will equip you to cope with challenges along the way. But where to start? Which path to take and who to trust? In this podcast Yoga teacher Ben Carver explains how the path of Esoteric Integral Yoga can lead step by step through all weathers and terrains to the very heart of you.
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Religiously Erotic: Exploring the Sacred Union of Eros and Spirituality
I was born and raised Jerusalem, a city rich with religious history and culture and I have been a Tantric Yoga practitioner since 2001, I have come to deeply appreciate the complex interplay between spirituality and eroticism—two forces often seen as conflicting, but in reality, deeply intertwined. In this article I wish to explore the idea of being “religiously erotic” and how the erotic drive and the religious impulse can not only coexist but also elevate, support and potentiate one another.
Growing Up Among Religions
Jerusalem is a hub of religious movements. Growing up there, you are constantly surrounded by reminders of faith: the sound of the muezzin calling to prayer, the bells of churches, the sights of synagogues, mosques, and holy places. Though my parents were agnostics, I was born into Judaism and studied the Bible in school. Later in life, I studied other faiths—Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism – delving into their spiritual teachings.
What I noticed across these traditions, especially in the Judeo-Christian-Islamic context, was a shared antagonism toward eroticism. The concept of “original sin” is often rooted in the notion that desire is inherently corrupting. This perspective created a tension that never quite sat right with me, we can notice this repression with relation to the feminine and how often instead of being exalted the feminine is repressed.
A Eureka Moment: Tantra
When I encountered Tantric teachings, it was a revelation. I realized that the erotic and the religious were not at odds but were perfectly complementary. The longing for union with the absolute, a central aspect of mysticism, mirrors the deep yearning for union between lovers, my longing to deeply unite with a woman. The heart’s desire to reconnect with the Creator can be fully expressed in the act of sacred, erotic union. In the highest forms of Tantric practice, eroticism is a pathway to God.
This realization became profoundly clear to me during a visit to the Khajuraho temples in India in 2010. These temples, covered in intricate erotic sculptures, represent a powerful fusion of spiritual and sensual art. The erotic art on the temple walls did not diminish the spiritual atmosphere; rather, it amplified it. The erotic statues, crafted with the utmost care and reverence, were not mere representations of human desire but expressions of divine union. The artisans who created these statues did so with deep reverence, using beauty and eroticism to exalt the spirit to bring the devotee to deify the being. As I approached these temples, I felt an overwhelming sense of awe and love, as if the beauty of the exterior of the temple was preparing me for the sacredness within the temple. Experiencing the delight of the erotic statues, my soul felt cleansed to fuse with the transcendental reality
Eros as a Reflection of Divine Light
In many religious traditions, particularly in dogmatic or exoteric practices, there is a tendency to suppress erotic energy, to refuse it or consider it dirty or unclean. While this might be somewhat true regarding gross desires, the erotic aspiration is radically different. The erotic sense is inseparable from the religious practice. We can take this analogy of a prism refracting light (just imagine the album cover of Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’). The supreme light is pure, white light, which passes through a prism and emerges as the many colours of the rainbow – each colour representing a different Godly Attribute, a characteristic of consciousness. If we wish to recreate the bright white light with another prism, if one of those colours is removed, the light is incomplete. Similarly, when erotic energy is removed from the expression of the creator within creation, the full expression of the spirit within creation is diminished and incomplete.
There is a fear, especially in religious dogma, of the feminine, of sensuality, and of the intense energy that Eros can generate. This fear leads to a suppression of erotic potential, hindering many on the spiritual path. However, as seen above, by embracing erotic energy, we can experience a fuller manifestation of God’s light.
The Fear of Eros and the Feminine
Why have so many religious traditions feared eroticism? I believe it stems from a deeper fear of the feminine and the sensual, energies that are powerful and transformative. Desire stirs something primal within us, something that can be either ecstatic or agitating and unsettling. In the face of this energy, many religious traditions have sought to restrain from it completely, fearing that it could lead to chaos or distraction from the spiritual path, not realizing that the core of this desire is the deep longing for union.
This fear has limited the full potential of spiritual life. Many devout people struggle to integrate their erotic energy with their religious aspirations, and as a result, their spiritual progress is hindered. Instead of suppressing eroticism, we need to understand its role in our spiritual journey. Erotic energy, when aligned with love and reverence, can be a powerful force for spiritual awakening.
The Fall from Eden: A Metaphor for Separation
The Bible offers a symbolic story of this suppression in the tale of Adam and Eve’s fall from Eden. After eating the forbidden fruit, they become aware of their nakedness and feel shame. This shame represents a separation not only from each other but also from the divine.
In the original language of the Bible, Hebrew, as they fell from Eden it is said that they wore leathers (Orot in Hebrew) the fascinating part is that ‘Orot’ in Hebrew sounds the same as the Hebrew word for Light, ‘OR’. We can then say that from a more esoteric perspective, the fall from Eden is symbolised by covering their light, being ashamed of their nudity and eroticism.
The erotic, when stripped of shame and seen as a pathway to union, can lead us back to the metaphorical Garden of Eden. As Jesus said, the “The Kingdom of Heaven is within you,” the erotic energy can be a way to rediscover this inner Paradise, a return to Eden.
Sin as Absence of Virtue
When we talk about “original sin,” we are really discussing the absence of virtue, much like darkness is simply the absence of light. In this context, the original sin – the disordered desire – represents an inferior form of desire, one that dominates and blinds us rather than uplifts and enlighten us. It is not the desire itself that is sinful, but its misalignment with higher virtues like love, beauty, and sacredness. To shun erotic energy entirely is to reject a vital force that, when aligned with love, can elevate us toward the deification.
Tantric Lovemaking: A Sacred Practice
In Tantric practice, lovemaking is not just a biological act; it is a spiritual discipline. Tantric lovemaking is a method for reconnecting with the divine through the play of Godly Attributes like love, beauty, sacredness and elevated pleasure. These attributes do not merge into a single, indistinct energy but remain distinct and complementary, creating a symphony of divine expression and inviting us to experience the vivid reality of the creator within creation. In this sacred space, eroticism is not merely about pleasure or physical connection; it is a pathway to spiritual union, a religious act in its purest form.
Tantric lovemaking invites us to see the erotic union between man and woman as a sacred act, an expression of the deepest prayers of one’s heart. The lingam (the male organ) becomes an expression of the man’s heart, and the yoni (the female organ) becomes a place of worship, a sacred space where the prayers of the heart rise to the heavens. This union is not only a union between man and woman but a union with the divine, a state of yoga, or spiritual merging.
Not by chance throughout history, we see that many deities and spiritually enlightened beings were also depicted as having rich erotic lives. In Greek mythology, Zeus’s many lovers symbolize his divine power. In Hinduism, Krishna had 1,000 Gopis, and Shiva made love to Parvati for 1,000 godly years. Even in Jewish tradition, the “Song of Songs” is an erotic love poem often interpreted as an allegory for divine love. These examples show that the enlightened beings or Gods were often erotically active.
Some brief practices and advice on how to be Religiously Erotic
To be “religiously erotic” is to live in harmony with both the erotic and spiritual aspects of our nature. Here are five practices that can help us cultivate this union:
Distinguishing Between Sex and Eros: Sex, in its biological form, often separates us from our higher nature. Eros, however, is an upward, inward force that connects us to the divine. Understanding the difference between these two energies is the foundation of the religiously erotic path.
Contemplating Erotic Art: By contemplating erotic art, we can connect to the beauty and spiritual power that eros represents. This practice helps elevate erotic energy to a higher, more refined state.
Infusing lovemaking with Consciousness: During lovemaking, take moments to pause, reflect, and realign your intentions with love. This sanctifies the act and connects it to the divine.
Removing Shame: Shame blocks the natural expression of our erotic energy. By removing shame, we can freely express our desires and align them with the highest virtues.
Avoiding Objectification: Objectifying others or nature creates a barrier to true connection. By seeing our partner not as an object but as a divine being, we open the door to deeper communion and spiritual union.
Conclusion: An Invitation to Fuse Eros and Spirit
In conclusion, being religiously erotic is about realizing that eroticism and spirituality are not in opposition but are potent allies on the path to the divine. When these two forces are integrated, they create a powerful synergy that can elevate us to the highest forms of spiritual realization. The erotic, when practiced with love and consciousness, becomes a sacred bridge to the heart of the Creator.
This is an invitation to explore the depths of eros as a spiritual path, to embrace the fullness of both our erotic and religious nature, and to rediscover the divine in the union of the two lovers.
It seems normal to ruminate over problems, to want, to solve and improve things. Or to throw a veil over life’s disappointments and cross our fingers until the good times roll again. Except if you are following the Tantric path. At first the yogi doesn’t exactly rub their hands with glee as teacher Maria Porsfelt explains, but contentment will soon appear if you learn to embrace the very stuff of life with a grateful and modest heart.
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How do we choose a path that is guaranteed to work?
Ancient or modern, which spiritual path will you take? Since the 1960s an abundance of New Age Spiritual ideas and practices have flourished. Many New Age courses are comprised of ancient spiritual practices and are directed towards the empowerment of the individual. But can the teachings be as powerful and as sacred when the teachings are cut from their roots and transplanted? Ancient teachings have in their turn been challenged as oppressive and failing to honour the values of our current society. In this podcast, Tantra and yoga teacher Morgan Arundel has been looking at both paths.
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Emotions are at the very core of human existence. They inform our decisions, shape our relationships, and profoundly influence how we navigate the world. Yet, despite their central role, emotions often remain misunderstood—a chaotic blend of unconscious reactions that can lead to unnecessary suffering. For decades, I have worked as a yoga teacher and psychologist, blending spiritual insights with psychological understanding to uncover the transformative potential hidden within emotions. This article explores what emotions are, how they work, and how we can master them to cultivate deeper awareness, intimacy, and freedom.
What Are Emotions?
At their essence, emotions are mechanisms designed to help us adapt to life’s challenges. The Zurich University department of Psychology, one of whose specialties is the study of emotions, defines them as “preparations for action.” Emotions prepare our minds and bodies to respond to various situations. For example, fear alerts us to potential dangers, triggering the fight-or-flight response to keep us safe. Anger motivates us to confront injustices and assert boundaries, while sadness reflects our capacity to love and connect deeply.
Interestingly, emotions do not always arise from objective reality; rather, they often stem from our perceptions of situations. Imagine a hunter-gatherer sleeping alone in a forest, their anxiety keeping them vigilant against predators. This response was essential for survival. Yet, in today’s world, that same instinct may manifest as sleeplessness over trivial worries, such as meeting deadlines and what people think about us. This mismatch between ancient emotional responses and modern triggers can cause unnecessary stress and suffering.
The Problem of Unconscious Emotional Responses
For most people, emotional responses are automatic, unconscious, and often maladaptive. Take anger, for example. While it might arise naturally in a crisis, societal norms frequently discourage its open expression. As a result, many suppress their anger, which does not simply vanish but instead festers, manifesting as physical tension, frustration, or even illness.
Similarly, anxiety once served as a survival mechanism, heightening alertness in genuinely dangerous situations. However, in the modern world, this same response often activates inappropriately, leading us to waste precious time and energy worrying about non-life-threatening concerns, even in environments where we are completely safe.
Unconscious handling of emotions—whether through suppression or indulgence—keeps us trapped in patterns of suffering. The key to breaking free lies in reclaiming conscious control over our emotions.
Reclaiming Emotional Control
The first step to reclaiming control is awareness. Becoming conscious of our emotions as they arise allows us to engage with them instead of being overrun. For example, when anxiety surfaces, it’s crucial to dive into it, to feel its physical presence and understand its roots. This might involve realizing, “I’m anxious because I feel socially isolated,” or, “I’m worried about financial challenges.” Once we name and embrace these feelings, they often lose their overwhelming power.
This process is not about suppressing emotions or indulging them. Both suppression and indulgence are unhelpful extremes. Suppression denies the emotion’s existence, while indulgence allows it to control us. Instead, we can consciously observe and dissect emotions.
For instance, sadness can be broken into components. If it stems from longing, that longing can be embraced as a deep, authentic desire. On the other hand, sadness mixed with hopelessness needs discernment; we should not feed the hopelessness. By embracing the positive core and discarding the unhelpful parts, we allow emotions to fulfil their adaptive purposes.
Embracing the Positive Core of Emotions
In Tantra, the approach to emotions is transformative. Tantra teaches us to extract the essence of every experience and let go of its unnecessary aspects. Emotions, when observed and broken down into their components, reveal a positive core. Fear arises to protect what is valuable. Anger emerges to correct injustices. Sadness can highlight what we truly cherish.
Through meditation and awareness, we can hold emotions consciously, allowing their wisdom to surface. Instead of fighting the negative elements, we gently set them aside and give life to the positive components. This process, central to emotional healing, creates a harmonious integration of these energies.
The Origins of Emotional Patterns
Many emotional patterns are rooted in both innate tendencies and learned behaviours. As children, we unconsciously absorb emotional responses from our surroundings—parents, peers, and cultural norms. For instance, I noticed that my own anger mirrored my father’s: quiet, suppressed, and avoiding confrontation. Over time, these inherited patterns become ingrained, shaping how we respond to life’s challenges.
These learned behaviours form what we can name the “pseudo-self.” This layer of reactive habits often obscures our authentic essence. Emotional wisdom involves peeling back these layers to reconnect with our true self—the soul or “healthy self”—that generates emotions authentically and in alignment with our deeper values.
Connecting Emotions to the Body
The journey to emotional healing starts in the body. Every emotion manifests physically before it becomes a mental concept. For instance, sadness often feels like a weight in the chest or a lump in the throat. Anger may create tension in the jaw or stomach, while fear might resonate in the belly or pelvic area. These bodily sensations are the raw reality of emotions, free from the intellectual filters and narratives we later attach to them.
When we label emotions with words like “sadness” or “anger,” we risk losing touch with their raw essence. Words are approximations, but the true experience lies in the body’s sensations. By shifting focus from abstract labels to the body’s felt experience, we engage more directly with emotions. This practice—rooted in embodied awareness—helps us transform emotions at their source rather than merely analysing them from a distance.
Blending Psychology and Spirituality
For over two decades, I have explored both psychology and spirituality, integrating these disciplines in my teaching and therapeutic work. Silent retreats, where I spent weeks confronting emotions without distractions, have been especially transformative. During these periods of deep introspection, I confronted emotions in their rawest form, learning to navigate them with clarity and compassion.
People often come to me overwhelmed by emotions they’ve ignored for years. For example, someone struggling with anxiety might describe it as a vague unease. By guiding them to locate the sensation in their body, they connect directly with the emotion. This simple shift often brings profound relief, revealing the “factory” behind their emotions rather than merely addressing the “products” of anxiety, anger, or sadness.
My Personal Journey
I’d like to share two personal experiences that highlight my own emotional alchemy:
Healing Guilt
For much of my life, guilt was a constant companion. I often felt I wasn’t doing enough or wasn’t good enough. During a winter retreat years ago, I was doing a meditation to heal guilt, over the course of 21 days. One day, after oversleeping and missing part of my practice, I felt a familiar wave of self-recrimination. But as I walked through the snow that evening, I had a realization that came to me in a flash: guilt was my way of motivating self-improvement. However, I didn’t need to punish myself to grow.
This insight reduced my guilt significantly. While it still appears occasionally in other areas, the clarity of that moment transformed my relationship with it. I learned to embrace the constructive aspect of guilt while discarding its punitive elements.
Confronting Anger
Anger was another emotion I struggled with for years. Suppressed anger manifested physically as ulcers and emotionally as frustration. Through therapy and self-reflection, I learned to recognize and express my anger healthily.
I discovered that much of my anger stemmed from self-importance—the belief that my goals were more significant than others’. By addressing this underlying egoism, I gradually released my anger. Over time, the ulcers healed, and my relationships improved. The process took years and remains ongoing, but it has profoundly shifted my inner landscape.
Masculine and Feminine Dynamics in Emotional Wisdom
Emotions often play out differently in men and women due to biological and cultural influences. Men, conditioned to suppress emotions, may struggle to connect with their emotional depth. While suppression can be helpful in crises, it becomes harmful when it blocks intimacy and self-awareness.
Women, on the other hand, often experience emotions more intensely. This heightened sensitivity is a gift but can lead to overwhelm or manipulation if not balanced with responsibility.
In relationships, these dynamics can complement each other. Men can offer detachment and clarity, while women can teach sensitivity and depth. Recognizing these differences fosters mutual growth and understanding.
The Transformative Power of Suffering
Suffering, when approached with awareness, holds immense transformative power. Emotional pain is not something to avoid or suppress—it is a gateway to growth. By sitting with our suffering without judgment, we allow it to unfold and reveal its wisdom.
For example, many spiritual practitioners embrace intense practices, such as meditating in extreme conditions, to transform their relationship with discomfort. While most of us do not need such extremes, the principle remains the same: embracing pain fosters resilience and inner strength.
Conclusion
Becoming emotionally wiser is a journey of awareness, acceptance, and transformation. By embracing the positive core of emotions and releasing their destructive elements, we align with our authentic selves. This journey, while challenging, opens the door to deeper intimacy, freedom, and joy.
Through practices such as meditation, therapy, and embodied awareness, we can transform our emotional lives, unlocking the wisdom within. In doing so, emotions become our allies—guiding us toward growth, healing, and a fuller experience of life.
Tantric Perspective on Relationships: Integrating Depth and Freedom
From a Tantric viewpoint, Maria and Foca discuss the balance between the need for depth and connection in relationships, and the human desire for novelty and adventure. Maria emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and honesty within relationships, allowing space for both partners to express their needs, whether that involves monogamy, polygamy, or open relationships. For her, the key is recognizing that one size does not fit all; relationships should be approached with flexibility, growth, and an openness to unconventional solutions.
Foca expands on this idea, highlighting that the seeming contradiction between certainty and adventure in relationships can actually be complementary. He speaks about “existential certitude”—a deep inner confidence that allows individuals to embrace the unpredictable, adventurous nature of relationships while maintaining an emotional anchor within themselves.
The Role of Hormones in Shaping Relationships and Conformity
The conversation also turns toward the influence of hormones, with Dr. Yakir explaining how testosterone and oxytocin shape different aspects of human behaviour and relationships. Testosterone drives competition, aggression, and control in men, while oxytocin fosters attachment and conformity. The latter plays a role in ensuring social harmony, particularly in adolescence, when individuals feel a strong pull to conform to group norms.
Maria also shares personal insights into how hormones and emotional triggers, such as jealousy, can be rewired through self-awareness and tantric practices. This idea of mastery over emotions, rather than being controlled by them, aligns with the tantric philosophy of growth and self-realization.
Exploring Infidelity and Biological Strategies
Dr. Yakir offers a biological explanation for infidelity, noting that in many monogamous species, including humans, cheating is common. She references studies on animals like swans and penguins, where infidelity serves to diversify genetic investment, ensuring a broader gene pool for offspring. For men, this biological uncertainty of fatherhood has historically led to the desire to control women, ensuring that their genes are passed down. She ties this back to cultural taboos and societal norms, which have disproportionately punished women for infidelity throughout history.
The Impact of Modern Dating and Hormonal Manipulation
The panel also touches on how modern technology, particularly dating apps, disrupts natural human mating instincts. Dr. Yakir criticizes dating apps for commodifying human relationships, focusing too much on physical attributes like height or appearance, which appeal to primal fertility cues but often ignore deeper emotional or personal qualities. She also reflects on the impact of contraceptive pills on female attraction, explaining how hormonal birth control can dull women’s attraction to potential partners by interfering with natural pheromonal signals.
Exploring Connection: The Power of Physical Affection
The panel discussion continues with a question about the importance of physical closeness, particularly cuddling, in relationships. Maria responds by affirming the significance of touch, noting that for many people, their partner may be the only source of physical intimacy in their daily lives. This makes activities like cuddling essential for fulfilling a fundamental human need for connection. However, she expands the idea by suggesting that affectionate touch doesn’t have to be limited to romantic partners—it can come from friends and family as well. Maria encourages a culture of more open affection in social circles to meet this human need beyond romantic relationships.
The Healing Power of Female Friendships
Dr. Yakir introduces the importance of female friendships, drawing on research that shows how close connections between women contribute to their happiness, health, and longevity. She connects this to biological patterns observed in nature, where female apes, for example, form supportive groups. This tendency, she explains, is backed by the hormone oxytocin, which plays a role in creating feelings of bonding and trust. She emphasizes how this phenomenon is crucial for women’s well-being and contrasts it with the differing needs of men, highlighting how men tend to focus more on themselves, which leads to challenges in male-female communication and understanding within long-term relationships.
Addressing Differences Between Men and Women
She continues by discussing the different ways men and women perceive themselves, using the example of a survey showing that only 2% of women consider themselves beautiful, compared to 40% of men. This striking difference, she explains, impacts the dynamics in relationships, with women often needing reassurance from their partners that they are attractive and valued. However, many men are unaware of this need because they don’t struggle with self-image in the same way. Foca steps in, agreeing that men are often uneducated in understanding these emotional nuances. He emphasizes the importance of men growing and evolving to better appreciate and support the unique qualities of women, proposing that societal happiness is linked to the flourishing of women, which in turn requires conscious effort from men.
Prolonging the Honeymoon Period: The Balance of Distance and Intimacy
The discussion then shifts to a question about how to prolong the honeymoon period in a relationship. Dr. Yakir explains that maintaining a degree of individuality and mystery is key to keeping the spark alive. She notes that the natural inclination to domesticate or control one another in relationships can lead to predictability, which diminishes excitement. To counter this, she suggests that couples should embrace the idea of remaining “strangers” to each other to some extent, preserving their individuality to maintain attraction over time.
Maria elaborates on this idea, warning against the confusion between familiarity and intimacy. She explains that while familiarity can lead to boredom, true intimacy is about maintaining a deep emotional connection that is not dependent on knowing everything about the other person. By keeping an element of mystery and continually discovering new aspects of the partner, couples can sustain the initial thrill of being in love. She stresses that it’s important to cultivate behaviours that keep the relationship fresh and exciting, rather than falling into routines that dull the connection.
Growth and Self-Discovery in Relationships
Foca discusses the importance of continuous personal growth in relationships. He explains that as individuals evolve, they reveal new aspects of themselves, which can keep the relationship dynamic and engaging. He emphasizes that romantic partners can be instrumental in each other’s journey of self-discovery, helping to unlock deeper parts of themselves. He describes this as a transformative process, where couples discover not only each other but also their own potential for love and happiness through the relationship. By valuing the role their partner plays in their personal growth, couples can deepen their connection and sustain the feelings of love and fulfilment.
In closing, this rich dialogue between biology and Tantra illuminates the profound ways our bodies, emotions, and relationships are intertwined. By exploring love through both scientific and spiritual lenses, the panellists offer a holistic view of human connection, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, emotional resilience, and open communication. Whether addressing the hormonal roots of attraction, the challenges of long-term relationships, or the transformative potential of tantric practices, the discussion encourages a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partners. Ultimately, bridging biology with Tantra empowers individuals to transcend mere biological impulses, fostering relationships that are both passionate and enduring.
To be authentic and have integrity we need to acknowledge what is truly happening. If our minds attach to negative perspectives, asserting our point of view at all costs, we find ourselves on a fight-or-flight rollercoaster, a way of living that is emotionally damaging and detached from reality. This is the negativity bias, that is triggered by the fear of something and is underpinned by the biological survival programme that constantly focuses on the external. As Tantra Teacher Maria Porsfelt tells student Vivienne Rush, we need to be present, not to filter the experience but to embrace it all – both the challenges and also the immense goodness and pleasure that is there for us to experience with our whole hearts.
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Most of us learn how to relate in a trial-and-error fashion but as the years and the relationships go by, we may get a little weary and even lose hope. The Tantric path teaches that the couple relationship can be integral to our personal development as we learn to build relationships full of intense pleasure, powerful attraction and deep love. Sounds good? Discover more on this one-day workshop with Tantra teachers Bogdan Radasanu and Alina Halauca. For a sneak preview listen to Bogdan in this podcast interview where he describes the first heartfelt steps to relationship heaven.
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To Boldly Go…but first consent! Everyone has different levels of sensitivities, different boundaries, different perceptions and responses to touch and intimacy. In recent times in Tantric workshops, a structure has been included to create clarity among teachers and students about what is and what is not consent. In the Tantric context there are a number of things to consider: whether to stay within boundaries or to open up to intense experience and go beyond. Whether to keep a comfortable space between you and another or to venture into a heart connection. As teacher Morgan Arundel explains in this podcast, there is an abundance of choices in the terrain of intimacy for the Tantric student to navigate. ed?
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The Role of Hormones and Stress in Love and Sexuality
The host, Vivienne, then raises the question of how hormones, while integral to our emotions and sexual desires, can often feel like they are working against us. Dr. Yakir highlights the key enemy of love and intimacy: stress. Stress hormones, such as cortisol, disrupt the production of “love hormones” like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, causing emotional imbalance and affecting intimacy. Stress, she explains, is a survival mechanism deeply rooted in the human brain, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, which constantly predicts negative future outcomes as a way of safeguarding survival. Unlike animals, humans suffer from stress over events that haven’t happened yet, often sabotaging their own happiness. Meditation and mindfulness can help mitigate this issue by helping us stay present and reduce stress levels.
Stress also negatively impacts sexual desire. She draws an analogy to animals in nature, where sexual activity is a quick act for males due to the constant threat of predators or rivals. In contrast, tantric practices aim to transcend this biological impulse by teaching men to extend lovemaking for longer periods, beyond the typical two or three minutes, to hours. This not only enhances intimacy but also creates a deeper connection beyond just physical desire.
Transcending Biological Impulses Through Tantra
Foca expands on the biological limitations men face during sex, especially the diminished activity in the prefrontal cortex as they approach ejaculation. In Tantra, he explains, the goal is to overcome these limitations through conscious control, which allows men to prolong their lovemaking and enhance their partner’s pleasure. He emphasizes that while biology may initially drive sexual behaviour, understanding and mastering these impulses through tantric practices can lead to deeper, more fulfilling sexual experiences.
Dr. Yakir adds that men who learn to relax and control their stress response can better foster intimacy. A man’s ability to help his partner relax, often through humour or tenderness, is key to creating an environment where both can enjoy and prolong sexual intimacy.
The Problem with Porn and Misconceptions About Sex
Dr. Yakir also addresses the dangers of pornography, particularly its impact on the male brain. Porn hijacks the brain’s reward system by flooding it with dopamine and testosterone, mimicking the effects of addictive substances like cocaine. This can result in a distorted view of sexuality, reducing the focus on bonding and connection and making sex more about immediate gratification rather than long-term intimacy.
She also criticized the common misconception that sex is solely about penetration, which undermines the role of oxytocin—the “bonding hormone” that is vital for long-term intimacy. Without this, sexual relationships often fizzle out after the initial excitement, and sex becomes a mere obligation, especially in long-term relationships.
The Coolidge Effect: The Decline of Sexual Attraction in Long-Term Relationships
The discussion then turns to the previously-mentioned Coolidge effect, which explains the biological phenomenon where sexual attraction to the same partner diminishes over time. Dr. Yakir shares the results of studies on the Coolidge effect in mice, where male mice become less interested in mating with the same female but are rejuvenated when presented with new females. This biological tendency also exists in humans, contributing to infidelity and the decline of sexual desire in long-term relationships. Visual stimuli, such as new faces, trigger the same dopamine response in humans, explaining why many couples experience decreased sexual satisfaction over time.
Maria finds this revelation surprisingly optimistic, as it underscores the need for awareness in relationships. By recognizing that this phenomenon is biological, couples can work towards solutions rather than blaming themselves or their partners. In tantric practices, the focus shifts from instinctual sex to the experience of “eros,” where intimacy transcends biology and opens the door to multi-dimensional experiences. This shift can help couples escape the monotony of routine sex and explore new depths of intimacy and connection.
Monogamy, Polyamory, and the Role of Spiritual Love
Foca speaks about how Tantra and yogic traditions can help individuals transcend the biological impulse for novelty by emphasizing spiritual love. Understanding biology helps, but transcending it—by embracing spiritual practices—leads to a fuller, richer experience of love and intimacy. By engaging with partners on a deeper, more spiritual level, individuals can create a relationship that continues to grow and evolve rather than stagnating over time.
Dr. Yakir points out that even in committed monogamous relationships, individuals benefit from maintaining friendships with people of the opposite sex. These friendships provide a healthy balance and help individuals retain their sense of self, preventing the partner from becoming the sole source of emotional energy in a relationship.
The Importance of Awareness and Emotional Resilience
Maria emphasizes that, particularly for women, becoming aware of their hormonal cycles can bring much-needed clarity. For instance, recognizing that certain emotional shifts may be hormonally driven allows women to step back and reassess their feelings instead of immediately blaming themselves or their partners. She notes that this kind of awareness can also help couples navigate the inevitable ups and downs in long-term relationships.
Dr. Yakir agrees, explaining how the Coolidge effect can make people question their feelings for their partner. Many interpret a decrease in attraction as a sign that love has ended, leading to resentment, stress, and guilt. However, understanding that this is a natural biological process allows couples to approach these challenges with greater emotional resilience and understanding.
The Role of Play and Tension in Maintaining Attraction
To counter the effects of the Coolidge phenomenon, Dr. Yakir suggests that couples should consciously maintain a sense of play and tension in their relationships. Relationships, she argues, thrive on a delicate balance of security and excitement. When one partner becomes too complacent or submissive, attraction often wanes. Healthy competition, flirtation, and even a touch of jealousy can reignite sexual desire and prevent the relationship from becoming stagnant.
Foca added a perspective from the Kama Sutra, advising men never to assume they have “conquered” their partner. Constant effort and attention are required to keep the relationship dynamic and passionate, which aligns with the Tantric view of continuously deepening intimacy rather than settling into routine.
The Biological Roots of Monogamy and Polygamy
Dr. Yakir offers a biologically driven perspective, stating that humans are not inherently monogamous. From an evolutionary standpoint, males compete for females, with polygamous tendencies being reflected in human biology—such as larger testicles in relation to body size, indicating sperm competition. She explains that while social structures have adopted monogamy, particularly influenced by the Romans, biologically speaking, polygamy has been a natural system for humans.
However, she acknowledges that despite these biological impulses, monogamy has become a social necessity due to the deep human need for attachment and stability. Monogamous relationships foster emotional bonds that are essential for long-term health, happiness, and support, which is why, despite our biological leanings, monogamy has persisted for so long.
