To truly discover who you are is a wonderful gift. A genuine spiritual path will lead to the revelation of your true self and will equip you to cope with challenges along the way. But where to start? Which path to take and who to trust? In this podcast Yoga teacher Ben Carver explains how the path of Esoteric Integral Yoga can lead step by step through all weathers and terrains to the very heart of you.
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It seems normal to ruminate over problems, to want, to solve and improve things. Or to throw a veil over life’s disappointments and cross our fingers until the good times roll again. Except if you are following the Tantric path. At first the yogi doesn’t exactly rub their hands with glee as teacher Maria Porsfelt explains, but contentment will soon appear if you learn to embrace the very stuff of life with a grateful and modest heart.
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How do we choose a path that is guaranteed to work?
Ancient or modern, which spiritual path will you take? Since the 1960s an abundance of New Age Spiritual ideas and practices have flourished. Many New Age courses are comprised of ancient spiritual practices and are directed towards the empowerment of the individual. But can the teachings be as powerful and as sacred when the teachings are cut from their roots and transplanted? Ancient teachings have in their turn been challenged as oppressive and failing to honour the values of our current society. In this podcast, Tantra and yoga teacher Morgan Arundel has been looking at both paths.
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Emotions are at the very core of human existence. They inform our decisions, shape our relationships, and profoundly influence how we navigate the world. Yet, despite their central role, emotions often remain misunderstood—a chaotic blend of unconscious reactions that can lead to unnecessary suffering. For decades, I have worked as a yoga teacher and psychologist, blending spiritual insights with psychological understanding to uncover the transformative potential hidden within emotions. This article explores what emotions are, how they work, and how we can master them to cultivate deeper awareness, intimacy, and freedom.
What Are Emotions?
At their essence, emotions are mechanisms designed to help us adapt to life’s challenges. The Zurich University department of Psychology, one of whose specialties is the study of emotions, defines them as “preparations for action.” Emotions prepare our minds and bodies to respond to various situations. For example, fear alerts us to potential dangers, triggering the fight-or-flight response to keep us safe. Anger motivates us to confront injustices and assert boundaries, while sadness reflects our capacity to love and connect deeply.
Interestingly, emotions do not always arise from objective reality; rather, they often stem from our perceptions of situations. Imagine a hunter-gatherer sleeping alone in a forest, their anxiety keeping them vigilant against predators. This response was essential for survival. Yet, in today’s world, that same instinct may manifest as sleeplessness over trivial worries, such as meeting deadlines and what people think about us. This mismatch between ancient emotional responses and modern triggers can cause unnecessary stress and suffering.
The Problem of Unconscious Emotional Responses
For most people, emotional responses are automatic, unconscious, and often maladaptive. Take anger, for example. While it might arise naturally in a crisis, societal norms frequently discourage its open expression. As a result, many suppress their anger, which does not simply vanish but instead festers, manifesting as physical tension, frustration, or even illness.
Similarly, anxiety once served as a survival mechanism, heightening alertness in genuinely dangerous situations. However, in the modern world, this same response often activates inappropriately, leading us to waste precious time and energy worrying about non-life-threatening concerns, even in environments where we are completely safe.
Unconscious handling of emotions—whether through suppression or indulgence—keeps us trapped in patterns of suffering. The key to breaking free lies in reclaiming conscious control over our emotions.
Reclaiming Emotional Control
The first step to reclaiming control is awareness. Becoming conscious of our emotions as they arise allows us to engage with them instead of being overrun. For example, when anxiety surfaces, it’s crucial to dive into it, to feel its physical presence and understand its roots. This might involve realizing, “I’m anxious because I feel socially isolated,” or, “I’m worried about financial challenges.” Once we name and embrace these feelings, they often lose their overwhelming power.
This process is not about suppressing emotions or indulging them. Both suppression and indulgence are unhelpful extremes. Suppression denies the emotion’s existence, while indulgence allows it to control us. Instead, we can consciously observe and dissect emotions.
For instance, sadness can be broken into components. If it stems from longing, that longing can be embraced as a deep, authentic desire. On the other hand, sadness mixed with hopelessness needs discernment; we should not feed the hopelessness. By embracing the positive core and discarding the unhelpful parts, we allow emotions to fulfil their adaptive purposes.
Embracing the Positive Core of Emotions
In Tantra, the approach to emotions is transformative. Tantra teaches us to extract the essence of every experience and let go of its unnecessary aspects. Emotions, when observed and broken down into their components, reveal a positive core. Fear arises to protect what is valuable. Anger emerges to correct injustices. Sadness can highlight what we truly cherish.
Through meditation and awareness, we can hold emotions consciously, allowing their wisdom to surface. Instead of fighting the negative elements, we gently set them aside and give life to the positive components. This process, central to emotional healing, creates a harmonious integration of these energies.
The Origins of Emotional Patterns
Many emotional patterns are rooted in both innate tendencies and learned behaviours. As children, we unconsciously absorb emotional responses from our surroundings—parents, peers, and cultural norms. For instance, I noticed that my own anger mirrored my father’s: quiet, suppressed, and avoiding confrontation. Over time, these inherited patterns become ingrained, shaping how we respond to life’s challenges.
These learned behaviours form what we can name the “pseudo-self.” This layer of reactive habits often obscures our authentic essence. Emotional wisdom involves peeling back these layers to reconnect with our true self—the soul or “healthy self”—that generates emotions authentically and in alignment with our deeper values.
Connecting Emotions to the Body
The journey to emotional healing starts in the body. Every emotion manifests physically before it becomes a mental concept. For instance, sadness often feels like a weight in the chest or a lump in the throat. Anger may create tension in the jaw or stomach, while fear might resonate in the belly or pelvic area. These bodily sensations are the raw reality of emotions, free from the intellectual filters and narratives we later attach to them.
When we label emotions with words like “sadness” or “anger,” we risk losing touch with their raw essence. Words are approximations, but the true experience lies in the body’s sensations. By shifting focus from abstract labels to the body’s felt experience, we engage more directly with emotions. This practice—rooted in embodied awareness—helps us transform emotions at their source rather than merely analysing them from a distance.
Blending Psychology and Spirituality
For over two decades, I have explored both psychology and spirituality, integrating these disciplines in my teaching and therapeutic work. Silent retreats, where I spent weeks confronting emotions without distractions, have been especially transformative. During these periods of deep introspection, I confronted emotions in their rawest form, learning to navigate them with clarity and compassion.
People often come to me overwhelmed by emotions they’ve ignored for years. For example, someone struggling with anxiety might describe it as a vague unease. By guiding them to locate the sensation in their body, they connect directly with the emotion. This simple shift often brings profound relief, revealing the “factory” behind their emotions rather than merely addressing the “products” of anxiety, anger, or sadness.
My Personal Journey
I’d like to share two personal experiences that highlight my own emotional alchemy:
Healing Guilt
For much of my life, guilt was a constant companion. I often felt I wasn’t doing enough or wasn’t good enough. During a winter retreat years ago, I was doing a meditation to heal guilt, over the course of 21 days. One day, after oversleeping and missing part of my practice, I felt a familiar wave of self-recrimination. But as I walked through the snow that evening, I had a realization that came to me in a flash: guilt was my way of motivating self-improvement. However, I didn’t need to punish myself to grow.
This insight reduced my guilt significantly. While it still appears occasionally in other areas, the clarity of that moment transformed my relationship with it. I learned to embrace the constructive aspect of guilt while discarding its punitive elements.
Confronting Anger
Anger was another emotion I struggled with for years. Suppressed anger manifested physically as ulcers and emotionally as frustration. Through therapy and self-reflection, I learned to recognize and express my anger healthily.
I discovered that much of my anger stemmed from self-importance—the belief that my goals were more significant than others’. By addressing this underlying egoism, I gradually released my anger. Over time, the ulcers healed, and my relationships improved. The process took years and remains ongoing, but it has profoundly shifted my inner landscape.
Masculine and Feminine Dynamics in Emotional Wisdom
Emotions often play out differently in men and women due to biological and cultural influences. Men, conditioned to suppress emotions, may struggle to connect with their emotional depth. While suppression can be helpful in crises, it becomes harmful when it blocks intimacy and self-awareness.
Women, on the other hand, often experience emotions more intensely. This heightened sensitivity is a gift but can lead to overwhelm or manipulation if not balanced with responsibility.
In relationships, these dynamics can complement each other. Men can offer detachment and clarity, while women can teach sensitivity and depth. Recognizing these differences fosters mutual growth and understanding.
The Transformative Power of Suffering
Suffering, when approached with awareness, holds immense transformative power. Emotional pain is not something to avoid or suppress—it is a gateway to growth. By sitting with our suffering without judgment, we allow it to unfold and reveal its wisdom.
For example, many spiritual practitioners embrace intense practices, such as meditating in extreme conditions, to transform their relationship with discomfort. While most of us do not need such extremes, the principle remains the same: embracing pain fosters resilience and inner strength.
Conclusion
Becoming emotionally wiser is a journey of awareness, acceptance, and transformation. By embracing the positive core of emotions and releasing their destructive elements, we align with our authentic selves. This journey, while challenging, opens the door to deeper intimacy, freedom, and joy.
Through practices such as meditation, therapy, and embodied awareness, we can transform our emotional lives, unlocking the wisdom within. In doing so, emotions become our allies—guiding us toward growth, healing, and a fuller experience of life.
Tantric Perspective on Relationships: Integrating Depth and Freedom
From a Tantric viewpoint, Maria and Foca discuss the balance between the need for depth and connection in relationships, and the human desire for novelty and adventure. Maria emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and honesty within relationships, allowing space for both partners to express their needs, whether that involves monogamy, polygamy, or open relationships. For her, the key is recognizing that one size does not fit all; relationships should be approached with flexibility, growth, and an openness to unconventional solutions.
Foca expands on this idea, highlighting that the seeming contradiction between certainty and adventure in relationships can actually be complementary. He speaks about “existential certitude”—a deep inner confidence that allows individuals to embrace the unpredictable, adventurous nature of relationships while maintaining an emotional anchor within themselves.
The Role of Hormones in Shaping Relationships and Conformity
The conversation also turns toward the influence of hormones, with Dr. Yakir explaining how testosterone and oxytocin shape different aspects of human behaviour and relationships. Testosterone drives competition, aggression, and control in men, while oxytocin fosters attachment and conformity. The latter plays a role in ensuring social harmony, particularly in adolescence, when individuals feel a strong pull to conform to group norms.
Maria also shares personal insights into how hormones and emotional triggers, such as jealousy, can be rewired through self-awareness and tantric practices. This idea of mastery over emotions, rather than being controlled by them, aligns with the tantric philosophy of growth and self-realization.
Exploring Infidelity and Biological Strategies
Dr. Yakir offers a biological explanation for infidelity, noting that in many monogamous species, including humans, cheating is common. She references studies on animals like swans and penguins, where infidelity serves to diversify genetic investment, ensuring a broader gene pool for offspring. For men, this biological uncertainty of fatherhood has historically led to the desire to control women, ensuring that their genes are passed down. She ties this back to cultural taboos and societal norms, which have disproportionately punished women for infidelity throughout history.
The Impact of Modern Dating and Hormonal Manipulation
The panel also touches on how modern technology, particularly dating apps, disrupts natural human mating instincts. Dr. Yakir criticizes dating apps for commodifying human relationships, focusing too much on physical attributes like height or appearance, which appeal to primal fertility cues but often ignore deeper emotional or personal qualities. She also reflects on the impact of contraceptive pills on female attraction, explaining how hormonal birth control can dull women’s attraction to potential partners by interfering with natural pheromonal signals.
Exploring Connection: The Power of Physical Affection
The panel discussion continues with a question about the importance of physical closeness, particularly cuddling, in relationships. Maria responds by affirming the significance of touch, noting that for many people, their partner may be the only source of physical intimacy in their daily lives. This makes activities like cuddling essential for fulfilling a fundamental human need for connection. However, she expands the idea by suggesting that affectionate touch doesn’t have to be limited to romantic partners—it can come from friends and family as well. Maria encourages a culture of more open affection in social circles to meet this human need beyond romantic relationships.
The Healing Power of Female Friendships
Dr. Yakir introduces the importance of female friendships, drawing on research that shows how close connections between women contribute to their happiness, health, and longevity. She connects this to biological patterns observed in nature, where female apes, for example, form supportive groups. This tendency, she explains, is backed by the hormone oxytocin, which plays a role in creating feelings of bonding and trust. She emphasizes how this phenomenon is crucial for women’s well-being and contrasts it with the differing needs of men, highlighting how men tend to focus more on themselves, which leads to challenges in male-female communication and understanding within long-term relationships.
Addressing Differences Between Men and Women
She continues by discussing the different ways men and women perceive themselves, using the example of a survey showing that only 2% of women consider themselves beautiful, compared to 40% of men. This striking difference, she explains, impacts the dynamics in relationships, with women often needing reassurance from their partners that they are attractive and valued. However, many men are unaware of this need because they don’t struggle with self-image in the same way. Foca steps in, agreeing that men are often uneducated in understanding these emotional nuances. He emphasizes the importance of men growing and evolving to better appreciate and support the unique qualities of women, proposing that societal happiness is linked to the flourishing of women, which in turn requires conscious effort from men.
Prolonging the Honeymoon Period: The Balance of Distance and Intimacy
The discussion then shifts to a question about how to prolong the honeymoon period in a relationship. Dr. Yakir explains that maintaining a degree of individuality and mystery is key to keeping the spark alive. She notes that the natural inclination to domesticate or control one another in relationships can lead to predictability, which diminishes excitement. To counter this, she suggests that couples should embrace the idea of remaining “strangers” to each other to some extent, preserving their individuality to maintain attraction over time.
Maria elaborates on this idea, warning against the confusion between familiarity and intimacy. She explains that while familiarity can lead to boredom, true intimacy is about maintaining a deep emotional connection that is not dependent on knowing everything about the other person. By keeping an element of mystery and continually discovering new aspects of the partner, couples can sustain the initial thrill of being in love. She stresses that it’s important to cultivate behaviours that keep the relationship fresh and exciting, rather than falling into routines that dull the connection.
Growth and Self-Discovery in Relationships
Foca discusses the importance of continuous personal growth in relationships. He explains that as individuals evolve, they reveal new aspects of themselves, which can keep the relationship dynamic and engaging. He emphasizes that romantic partners can be instrumental in each other’s journey of self-discovery, helping to unlock deeper parts of themselves. He describes this as a transformative process, where couples discover not only each other but also their own potential for love and happiness through the relationship. By valuing the role their partner plays in their personal growth, couples can deepen their connection and sustain the feelings of love and fulfilment.
In closing, this rich dialogue between biology and Tantra illuminates the profound ways our bodies, emotions, and relationships are intertwined. By exploring love through both scientific and spiritual lenses, the panellists offer a holistic view of human connection, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, emotional resilience, and open communication. Whether addressing the hormonal roots of attraction, the challenges of long-term relationships, or the transformative potential of tantric practices, the discussion encourages a deeper understanding of ourselves and our partners. Ultimately, bridging biology with Tantra empowers individuals to transcend mere biological impulses, fostering relationships that are both passionate and enduring.
The Role of Hormones and Stress in Love and Sexuality
The host, Vivienne, then raises the question of how hormones, while integral to our emotions and sexual desires, can often feel like they are working against us. Dr. Yakir highlights the key enemy of love and intimacy: stress. Stress hormones, such as cortisol, disrupt the production of “love hormones” like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, causing emotional imbalance and affecting intimacy. Stress, she explains, is a survival mechanism deeply rooted in the human brain, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, which constantly predicts negative future outcomes as a way of safeguarding survival. Unlike animals, humans suffer from stress over events that haven’t happened yet, often sabotaging their own happiness. Meditation and mindfulness can help mitigate this issue by helping us stay present and reduce stress levels.
Stress also negatively impacts sexual desire. She draws an analogy to animals in nature, where sexual activity is a quick act for males due to the constant threat of predators or rivals. In contrast, tantric practices aim to transcend this biological impulse by teaching men to extend lovemaking for longer periods, beyond the typical two or three minutes, to hours. This not only enhances intimacy but also creates a deeper connection beyond just physical desire.
Transcending Biological Impulses Through Tantra
Foca expands on the biological limitations men face during sex, especially the diminished activity in the prefrontal cortex as they approach ejaculation. In Tantra, he explains, the goal is to overcome these limitations through conscious control, which allows men to prolong their lovemaking and enhance their partner’s pleasure. He emphasizes that while biology may initially drive sexual behaviour, understanding and mastering these impulses through tantric practices can lead to deeper, more fulfilling sexual experiences.
Dr. Yakir adds that men who learn to relax and control their stress response can better foster intimacy. A man’s ability to help his partner relax, often through humour or tenderness, is key to creating an environment where both can enjoy and prolong sexual intimacy.
The Problem with Porn and Misconceptions About Sex
Dr. Yakir also addresses the dangers of pornography, particularly its impact on the male brain. Porn hijacks the brain’s reward system by flooding it with dopamine and testosterone, mimicking the effects of addictive substances like cocaine. This can result in a distorted view of sexuality, reducing the focus on bonding and connection and making sex more about immediate gratification rather than long-term intimacy.
She also criticized the common misconception that sex is solely about penetration, which undermines the role of oxytocin—the “bonding hormone” that is vital for long-term intimacy. Without this, sexual relationships often fizzle out after the initial excitement, and sex becomes a mere obligation, especially in long-term relationships.
The Coolidge Effect: The Decline of Sexual Attraction in Long-Term Relationships
The discussion then turns to the previously-mentioned Coolidge effect, which explains the biological phenomenon where sexual attraction to the same partner diminishes over time. Dr. Yakir shares the results of studies on the Coolidge effect in mice, where male mice become less interested in mating with the same female but are rejuvenated when presented with new females. This biological tendency also exists in humans, contributing to infidelity and the decline of sexual desire in long-term relationships. Visual stimuli, such as new faces, trigger the same dopamine response in humans, explaining why many couples experience decreased sexual satisfaction over time.
Maria finds this revelation surprisingly optimistic, as it underscores the need for awareness in relationships. By recognizing that this phenomenon is biological, couples can work towards solutions rather than blaming themselves or their partners. In tantric practices, the focus shifts from instinctual sex to the experience of “eros,” where intimacy transcends biology and opens the door to multi-dimensional experiences. This shift can help couples escape the monotony of routine sex and explore new depths of intimacy and connection.
Monogamy, Polyamory, and the Role of Spiritual Love
Foca speaks about how Tantra and yogic traditions can help individuals transcend the biological impulse for novelty by emphasizing spiritual love. Understanding biology helps, but transcending it—by embracing spiritual practices—leads to a fuller, richer experience of love and intimacy. By engaging with partners on a deeper, more spiritual level, individuals can create a relationship that continues to grow and evolve rather than stagnating over time.
Dr. Yakir points out that even in committed monogamous relationships, individuals benefit from maintaining friendships with people of the opposite sex. These friendships provide a healthy balance and help individuals retain their sense of self, preventing the partner from becoming the sole source of emotional energy in a relationship.
The Importance of Awareness and Emotional Resilience
Maria emphasizes that, particularly for women, becoming aware of their hormonal cycles can bring much-needed clarity. For instance, recognizing that certain emotional shifts may be hormonally driven allows women to step back and reassess their feelings instead of immediately blaming themselves or their partners. She notes that this kind of awareness can also help couples navigate the inevitable ups and downs in long-term relationships.
Dr. Yakir agrees, explaining how the Coolidge effect can make people question their feelings for their partner. Many interpret a decrease in attraction as a sign that love has ended, leading to resentment, stress, and guilt. However, understanding that this is a natural biological process allows couples to approach these challenges with greater emotional resilience and understanding.
The Role of Play and Tension in Maintaining Attraction
To counter the effects of the Coolidge phenomenon, Dr. Yakir suggests that couples should consciously maintain a sense of play and tension in their relationships. Relationships, she argues, thrive on a delicate balance of security and excitement. When one partner becomes too complacent or submissive, attraction often wanes. Healthy competition, flirtation, and even a touch of jealousy can reignite sexual desire and prevent the relationship from becoming stagnant.
Foca added a perspective from the Kama Sutra, advising men never to assume they have “conquered” their partner. Constant effort and attention are required to keep the relationship dynamic and passionate, which aligns with the Tantric view of continuously deepening intimacy rather than settling into routine.
The Biological Roots of Monogamy and Polygamy
Dr. Yakir offers a biologically driven perspective, stating that humans are not inherently monogamous. From an evolutionary standpoint, males compete for females, with polygamous tendencies being reflected in human biology—such as larger testicles in relation to body size, indicating sperm competition. She explains that while social structures have adopted monogamy, particularly influenced by the Romans, biologically speaking, polygamy has been a natural system for humans.
However, she acknowledges that despite these biological impulses, monogamy has become a social necessity due to the deep human need for attachment and stability. Monogamous relationships foster emotional bonds that are essential for long-term health, happiness, and support, which is why, despite our biological leanings, monogamy has persisted for so long.
In this lively and insightful panel discussion, the intricate dance between biology and Tantra in shaping human emotions, relationships, and sexual experiences takes centre stage. Moderated by host Vivienne Rush, the panellists—Dr. Liat Yakir, Maria Porsfelt, and Foca Yariv—bring unique perspectives that interweave science and spiritual practice, shedding light on the biological mechanisms of love, the mysteries of human emotions, and the transformative potential of Tantra.
The Biological Foundations of Love
The conversation kicks off with Dr. Yakir, a biologist specializing in genetics and the author of A Brief History of Love, explaining her motivation for writing the book. She describes a personal and scientific journey, motivated by her own life experiences and the desire to understand the underlying biological mechanisms of human emotions, especially love. Dr. Yakir candidly admits that her own relationships, including two divorces, spurred her curiosity about what drives human attraction, attachment, and eventual emotional challenges.
According to Dr. Yakir, love is more than just a feeling—it’s deeply embedded in our biology. “We need love, we need these hormones that are secreted when we are having full attachment and fulfilling relationships with others,” she explains. Her research delves into how the brain’s chemistry—particularly the role of hormones such as dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline—fuels the initial euphoric stages of love. However, over time, this initial magic fades, revealing a predictable pattern that can lead to disillusionment and discomfort in long-term relationships. Dr. Yakir emphasizes that understanding these biological processes can help people manage the challenges that naturally arise in relationships, rather than allowing them to be controlled by unconscious drives.
The Role of Hormones and Challenges of Monogamy
In discussing her own experiences and broader biological trends, Dr. Yakir notes that monogamy is not a natural state for most species on Earth, including humans. She reflects on how many couples, especially after having children, face significant relationship challenges, often falling into routine patterns where sex and emotional intimacy deteriorate. “It’s encrypted in our biology to feel less attraction to the same person over time and to be attracted to another person,” she explains, offering the audience a glimpse into what is known as the “Coolidge effect”—the biological drive to seek new partners.
Dr. Yakir suggests that the key to more fulfilling, long-term relationships is awareness. Understanding how biology influences behaviour can prevent individuals from falling into unconscious patterns that lead to heartbreak, guilt, and emotional pain. Her goal, as both a biologist and educator, is to help others recognize these patterns and actively work to preserve the connection in their relationships.
Tantra as a Solution: The Intersection with Biology
As the discussion shifts toward Tantra, the host invites Foca Yariv, a Tantra teacher, to share his perspective on how this ancient practice might offer solutions to the challenges outlined by Dr. Yakir. Foca explains that his interest in Dr. Yakir’s book was piqued when he read her mention of Tantra as a possible solution for sustaining relationships over time. He contacted Dr. Yakir, and the two began a conversation about how Tantra transcends some of the biological limitations that can strain relationships, particularly regarding male ejaculation.
One of the key points of their discussion was the biological drive for men to ejaculate every three or four days, a mechanism that Dr. Yakir mentioned in her book. Foca, however, presents Tantra as a practice that allows men to control and delay ejaculation, a skill that he believes can transform relationships by sustaining energy and desire between partners. “I completely agree that might be the biology,” he says, “but Tantra has solutions that transcend biology.”
Dr. Yakir acknowledges the significance of this point, admitting that scientific research often conflates ejaculation and orgasm in men, making it difficult to isolate the effects of each on the male reproductive system. This lack of research highlights a gap in understanding that Tantra might help fill, offering men and women alternative ways to experience intimacy that move beyond the limitations of biology.
Orgasms and Well-being
When the conversation turns to the role of orgasms in overall well-being, Dr. Yakir stresses the profound effects that orgasms have on both men and women. For men, she notes that 21 orgasms per month is a general recommendation, as it benefits the prostate and reproductive system. When asked about women, she enthusiastically responds, “As many as possible!” pointing out that sexual activity and orgasms have been shown to ease the transition into menopause for women and improve long-term health outcomes.
However, the conversation also highlights the gender disparities in orgasm research, with Dr. Yakir noting that female sexuality remains understudied. Despite this, she emphasizes the importance of orgasms for women, not just for reproductive purposes but for overall mental and emotional well-being. “We get a lot of good chemicals in this pharmacy in our head during orgasm,” she says, referencing the release of endorphins and other feel-good chemicals that contribute to a sense of connection and fulfilment.
Harmonizing the Female Cycle through Tantra
Maria Porsfelt, a Tantra teacher, offers a reflection on her own experience of reading Dr. Yakir’s book, and how it has influenced her understanding of women’s hormones. She highlights the monthly cycle’s significant effect on women’s emotions and physical state, noting that women often feel like “four different women” in the span of a month due to hormonal fluctuations. Maria explains how Tantra for women focuses on harmonizing this cycle, with particular attention on practices that alleviate discomfort and pain.
Maria shares that from a tantric perspective, sexual energy can be modulated during lovemaking, potentially leading to a smoother menstrual cycle. She suggests that regular orgasms can energetically harmonize women’s bodies, reducing discomfort. This notion links physical experiences with spiritual practices, presenting a holistic view of how energy and hormones interact in women’s bodies.
Rekindling Connection in Long-Term Relationships
Continuing the conversation, Maria touches on a key theme from Dr. Yakir’s book: how couples, initially bonded by strong hormonal responses, can grow apart over time if they do not actively maintain their connection. She observes that couples often end up like “strangers” after several years, despite starting off deeply in love. This disconnection can be avoided if couples cultivate the behaviours and attitudes that originally bonded them.
According to Maria, Tantra teaches practices that help rekindle the initial attraction and love. By recreating the behaviours from the beginning of a relationship, such as attentiveness and affection, couples can reignite their bond, thereby re-triggering the hormonal responses that made them fall in love. Foca agrees, adding that men can also benefit from returning to early relationship behaviours like giving flowers and being more romantic. He explains that these actions can stimulate feelings of manliness and affection, reviving passion in the relationship.
The Biological Roots of Love and Connection
Dr. Yakir expands on the biological mechanisms behind love, describing how emotions are driven by the release of hormones and neurotransmitters. Emotions, she notes, are “energy in motion,” designed to trigger behaviours. She explains that the key chemicals involved in love—dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin—each serve different roles. Dopamine drives desire for new experiences, serotonin fosters contentment with what we already have, and oxytocin builds bonds through physical touch and emotional sharing.
Importantly, She clarifies that love is often confused with infatuation, the early stage of attraction fuelled by high dopamine levels. This is why the early phase of a relationship feels so exhilarating. However, as relationships progress, dopamine levels decrease, and the challenge becomes sustaining connection through oxytocin-driven bonding behaviours. She emphasizes that this bonding process requires time, touch, and emotional support, and cautions against rushing into sexual intimacy before these bonds are established.
Attraction and Hormonal Imprinting
The conversation takes an interesting turn when the host remarks on her tendency to be attracted to men who resemble her father, prompting Dr. Yakir to explain the concept of “imprinting.” According to her, early caregivers strongly influence our future romantic choices. This is because the brain seeks familiarity, which feels safe and predictable. Consequently, many people subconsciously choose partners who resemble their parents or even siblings in appearance or personality traits. This is not necessarily an indication of compatibility but rather a result of the brain’s preference for certainty and predictability over the unknown.
Dr. Yakir uses examples from the animal kingdom, as well as human psychology, to illustrate how imprinting shapes attraction. She explains that this biological drive toward familiarity often results in recurring patterns in relationships, where people find themselves repeatedly drawn to similar types of partners.
Respecting the Orgasm and Deepening Love
In response to the host’s inquiry about respecting the orgasm, Foca and Maria share their thoughts on the spiritual and emotional significance of this experience. Foca elaborates on how yoga and tantric practices can help control hormonal levels and increase self-awareness. Specific postures, like the Cobra pose, can stimulate emotions such as love and affection by activating the endocrine system. For Foca, these practices tap into universal energy, suggesting that love is not merely an emotion but a foundational force in creation.
Maria offers a different perspective, asserting that while men’s orgasms tend to be more about dopamine-driven pleasure, women’s orgasms are far more complex. For women, the experience often requires a deeper emotional and spiritual connection. She believes that women need more than just physical attraction; they need to feel a range of subtle interactions to experience a fulfilling orgasm. This complexity may explain why women often connect with others on deeper emotional levels, even with people they are not sexually attracted to. Maria’s perspective provides a counterpoint to Dr. Yakir’s more biologically-driven view, suggesting that there is a soul element involved in attraction and love.
Despite a very clear initial direction, a spiritual school or religion may find itself swerving from its intended path as it grows. Some religions have become big and / or profitable, and prone to control by powerbrokers or authoritarian, political figures, and mired in dogma, the teachings dry and mechanical. So how can a teacher or a school be certain that a correction in its course is needed? Or that a genuine spiritual message, compelling them in a new direction, has been correctly received?
In this podcast, Uriel Yariv, Tantra teacher from Mahasiddha Yoga School in Thailand, describes to student Vivienne Rush how one way for a spiritual school to remain free from dogma is for teachers and students to authenticate the teachings by taking responsibility for heart-felt practice, and for the truth of their inner spiritual experiences.
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The Life of Milarepa is a book that reads like a poem and lifts the spirit at the turn of every page, a biography decorated with songs that seem to spring from the soul of Milarepa, where words alone seem not enough to express the intensity of his messages.
It is the story of Mila Zhepa Dorjé, also known as Milarepa, through the framework of twelve marvelous deeds: three ordinary worldly deeds and nine supreme deeds of peace and transcendence.
From a tormented first half of his life, where he succumbs to the lower aspects of reality by killing 35 people through his powers of black magic, Milarepa rises from the ashes with fervent, unbroken determination to purify his misdeeds, and finally attains liberation within one lifetime. His life is an example of an ardent pursuit to realise the true nature of reality through the path of yoga.
“Through devotion to the teacher and the practice of the path, transform oneself into a perfect buddha, where the dharma is present everywhere one turns, where everything in the outer world appears as scriptures, where the profane is sacred.”
Finding his master is Milarepa’s first supreme deed and the start of his spiritual journey. A master-disciple relationship is always full of tests and this one was no exception. Marpa the Translator puts Milarepa through insufferable and exhausting hardships even before accepting him as his disciple. As happens with many other Tibetan masters (such as Tilopa with his disciple Naropa), an untrained eye may find it difficult to understand Marpa’s nuanced love towards his disciple and may not realise at first that all the hardships are hidden teachings on Milarepa’s path to enlightenment.
For a long time, Marpa did not grant him empowerments or instructions, but Milarepa never lost faith and trusted his Guru.
Reading about Milarepa’s aspiration and his unshakeable devotion and trust in his lama opens the reader’s heart and triggers a deep aspiration within. In the following song, Milarepa highlights the role of a master for an effective spiritual journey.
The nine story tower that Milarepa single-handedly built, Sekhar Gutok, Lhodrag, Tibet.
“Then he sang this song:
I bow at the feet of Lord Marpa the Translator.
Those who wish to practise dharma:
Without relying on a qualified lama,
Though you have devotion, blessings are meagre.
Without requesting profound initiation,
The very words of tantra will trap you.
Without using the tantras as an authority,
Every deed you do leads you astray.
Without meditating on profound heart-instructions,
Saying you’ll renounce only harms yourself.
Without applying remedies for mental afflictions,
Your talk is dried-up empty sound.
Without knowing the profound path of means,
Although you make effort, little is done.
Without knowing the profound essential points,
Although you endure, the path becomes long.
Without garnering vast stores of merit,
Living for oneself alone is the cause of life’s round.
Without giving up what you have earned for the dharma,
Although you meditate, good qualities will not appear. ”
Milarepa’s life is a constant call to listen to our inner compass and follow our dharma, a reminder of the importance of spiritual practice over the mere accumulation of knowledge. As it is said in the Mahabharata, “Books are but a burden as long as we do not realise the truth beyond the words”. Yoga and meditation allow us to realise the truths of the teachings. Through them Milarepa was able to transcend the mind and win buddhahood. “Again and again I practised with no concern for words and forgot about literal meanings. Let scholars give literal readings of texts”. The following song gives us an idea of his teachings:
“Then he sang this song:
To the compassionate one I address my prayer.
Contemplating the lives of past masters endowed with compassion
Is itself the very oral instructions.
Hoping to accumulate many is cause for distraction.
Keep in your heart the essential instructions.
Much this and that without the essential
Is like many trees but no fruit.
They may have their merits but they are not the ultimate.
Studying them is not seeing the truth.
They have much to explain but have nothing of profit.
Take to heart that which profits—a treasure sublime.
If it’s wealth you desire, concentrate upon this.
Dharma is the path of means for taming afflictions.
If a safe path you’d keep, concentrate upon this.
A resolute mind is a master of contentment.
If it’s a fine master you wish for, concentrate upon this.
Give up the whining and sloth of life’s round.
A rock crag with no one around is your father’s house;
A friendless and lonely abode, the deity’s home.
Mind riding mind is a tireless steed;
Your body, a wilderness hermitage, a temple.
Unwavering virtue is the best of all medicines.“
All the hardship was not in vain. Milarepa at last received tantric instructions and departed from his lama. From realising the emptiness of worldly matters, he vowed to practise. “Those beings who want things with no essence can have them. A yogi, I go to achieve liberation”. This was his sixth supreme deed, where he detached from this world. “Even if I were a master of the entire world, I would still need to leave them aside at the time of death. So if I renounce these things now, I shall find happiness in this and all future lives. Doing so, my conduct is contrary to that of all other men, so you can say I am no longer a man.” Milarepa realises that a man, as Gurdjieff later put it, is asleep. Unless the inner eyes open, unless your inside becomes full of light, we are not awake. From the words of Gurdjieff, “Man is a machine. All his deeds, actions, words, thoughts, feelings, convictions, opinions, and habits are the results of external influences, external impressions. Out of himself a man cannot produce a single thought, a single action. Everything he says, does, thinks, feels—all this happens. Man cannot discover anything, invent anything. It all happens.”
During his intense practice in caves, Milarepa starts his awakening, attaining spiritual insights on the nature of reality. He would practise without eating, without moving his body even if that meant starvation, sickness or exposure. His thirst for realisation was greater than his fear of death. Here we see for the first time Milarepa as a master. He removed his fear of death and understood that all the phenomena of this world and transcendence are interdependent, and that only spiritual insight would lead him to transcendence. The following song illustrates poetically one of his intuitions on the essence of interdependence of all beings:
“The nourishing essence of solid earth
And the light rain falling from azure skies—these two
Form the interdependence that benefits beings.
The essence of interdependence is dharma divine.
An illusory body nurtured by parents
And instructions of an authentic lama—these two
Form the interdependence for doing dharma divine.
The essence of interdependence is perseverance.
A rocky cave in a deserted land
And sincere virtuous practice—these two
Form the interdependence for achieving whatever you wish.
The essence of interdependence is emptiness.
Milarepa’s exertion in meditation
And the faith of beings in the three realms—these two
Form the interdependence for fulfilling the aims of beings.
The essence of interdependence is compassion.
The meditator practising in rocky caves
And the patrons who bring him supplies—these two
Form the interdependence for reaching buddhahood together.
The essence of interdependence is dedication of merit.
The compassion of an excellent lama
And the enduring meditation of an excellent student—these two
Form the interdependence for upholding the teachings.
The essence of interdependence is the sacred commitments.
Initiations that swiftly bring blessings
And prayers of fierce faith and devotion—these two
Form the interdependence for quickly meeting.
The essence of interdependence is auspicious fortune.”
Milarepa renounced worldly happiness and achieved buddhahood by taming and mastering the mind. “The stallion of mind rides like the wind. To catch him, what lasso will catch him?… To catch him, catch with the lasso of non-duality. To tether him, tether with the stake of meditative absorption. If hungry, feed him the lama’s oral instructions”.
He internalised the value of persevering in our practice, of tapas in our spiritual journey, and he exemplified the state of self-discipline, passion and courage of a perfect practitioner. He reminds us of the role that the law of cause and effect, karma, plays in our path towards liberation. “Because you have no conviction about the law of cause and effect, you have little perseverance in practice”.
Practice for Milarepa was never confined to sitting in meditation. It meant practising virtue at the cost of one’s life. “I have understood that, in order to realise insight, one must strive without distraction to accumulate merit and purify misdeeds in the periods between meditation sessions”. His practical teachings are universal and highlight the Truth that lies in our inner compass. “Act in such a way that you will not be ashamed of yourself. Do this and even if your actions contradict the letter of some texts they will not contradict the intentions of the previous Victors”.
In the last part of his life, Milarepa took the task of benefitting sentient beings through the result of his practice. This is his eighth supreme deed. Finding life precious, he did not dare to waste an hour of time.
“Doing deeds that are of no use
Will harm you, so set yourself straight.
The yogin whose work is complete
Has no need for a pile of busywork.”
Personally, the book was an impulse for my spiritual practice. It kindled my inner fire and my aspiration, and opened my eyes to spiritual tests. The intense longing of Milarepa made it tangible and I can still feel it inside myself.
In this podcast episode, Tantra and Yoga teacher Uriel Yariv shares with us about how to become more emotionally wise, and how to consciously heal emotions in a healthy and wholesome way, as well as about his own experience with healing emotions.
Listen to learn more about what emotions are, about what we think we ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do with emotions, and about how through awareness of emotions, a process of alchemy starts to take place.
To find out more about emotional healing through the ancient spiritual practices of Yoga, Tantra, Mystical Christianity and Tibetan Buddhism, in combination with modern psychology, we had our ‘Wisdom of Emotions’ workshop on 22nd-23rd April 2023.
To see what events we have coming up soon, see our events listing!
