Tag: Love

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The Role of Hormones and Stress in Love and Sexuality 

The host, Vivienne, then raises the question of how hormones, while integral to our emotions and sexual desires, can often feel like they are working against us. Dr. Yakir highlights the key enemy of love and intimacy: stress. Stress hormones, such as cortisol, disrupt the production of “love hormones” like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, causing emotional imbalance and affecting intimacy. Stress, she explains, is a survival mechanism deeply rooted in the human brain, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, which constantly predicts negative future outcomes as a way of safeguarding survival. Unlike animals, humans suffer from stress over events that haven’t happened yet, often sabotaging their own happiness. Meditation and mindfulness can help mitigate this issue by helping us stay present and reduce stress levels. 

Stress also negatively impacts sexual desire. She draws an analogy to animals in nature, where sexual activity is a quick act for males due to the constant threat of predators or rivals. In contrast, tantric practices aim to transcend this biological impulse by teaching men to extend lovemaking for longer periods, beyond the typical two or three minutes, to hours. This not only enhances intimacy but also creates a deeper connection beyond just physical desire. 

Transcending Biological Impulses Through Tantra 

Foca expands on the biological limitations men face during sex, especially the diminished activity in the prefrontal cortex as they approach ejaculation. In Tantra, he explains, the goal is to overcome these limitations through conscious control, which allows men to prolong their lovemaking and enhance their partner’s pleasure. He emphasizes that while biology may initially drive sexual behaviour, understanding and mastering these impulses through tantric practices can lead to deeper, more fulfilling sexual experiences. 

Dr. Yakir adds that men who learn to relax and control their stress response can better foster intimacy. A man’s ability to help his partner relax, often through humour or tenderness, is key to creating an environment where both can enjoy and prolong sexual intimacy. 

The Problem with Porn and Misconceptions About Sex 

Dr. Yakir also addresses the dangers of pornography, particularly its impact on the male brain. Porn hijacks the brain’s reward system by flooding it with dopamine and testosterone, mimicking the effects of addictive substances like cocaine. This can result in a distorted view of sexuality, reducing the focus on bonding and connection and making sex more about immediate gratification rather than long-term intimacy. 

She also criticized the common misconception that sex is solely about penetration, which undermines the role of oxytocin—the “bonding hormone” that is vital for long-term intimacy. Without this, sexual relationships often fizzle out after the initial excitement, and sex becomes a mere obligation, especially in long-term relationships. 

The Coolidge Effect: The Decline of Sexual Attraction in Long-Term Relationships 

The discussion then turns to the previously-mentioned Coolidge effect, which explains the biological phenomenon where sexual attraction to the same partner diminishes over time. Dr. Yakir shares the results of studies on the Coolidge effect in mice, where male mice become less interested in mating with the same female but are rejuvenated when presented with new females. This biological tendency also exists in humans, contributing to infidelity and the decline of sexual desire in long-term relationships. Visual stimuli, such as new faces, trigger the same dopamine response in humans, explaining why many couples experience decreased sexual satisfaction over time. 

Maria finds this revelation surprisingly optimistic, as it underscores the need for awareness in relationships. By recognizing that this phenomenon is biological, couples can work towards solutions rather than blaming themselves or their partners. In tantric practices, the focus shifts from instinctual sex to the experience of “eros,” where intimacy transcends biology and opens the door to multi-dimensional experiences. This shift can help couples escape the monotony of routine sex and explore new depths of intimacy and connection. 

Monogamy, Polyamory, and the Role of Spiritual Love 

Foca speaks about how Tantra and yogic traditions can help individuals transcend the biological impulse for novelty by emphasizing spiritual love. Understanding biology helps, but transcending it—by embracing spiritual practices—leads to a fuller, richer experience of love and intimacy. By engaging with partners on a deeper, more spiritual level, individuals can create a relationship that continues to grow and evolve rather than stagnating over time. 

Dr. Yakir points out that even in committed monogamous relationships, individuals benefit from maintaining friendships with people of the opposite sex. These friendships provide a healthy balance and help individuals retain their sense of self, preventing the partner from becoming the sole source of emotional energy in a relationship. 

The Importance of Awareness and Emotional Resilience 

Maria emphasizes that, particularly for women, becoming aware of their hormonal cycles can bring much-needed clarity. For instance, recognizing that certain emotional shifts may be hormonally driven allows women to step back and reassess their feelings instead of immediately blaming themselves or their partners. She notes that this kind of awareness can also help couples navigate the inevitable ups and downs in long-term relationships. 

Dr. Yakir agrees, explaining how the Coolidge effect can make people question their feelings for their partner. Many interpret a decrease in attraction as a sign that love has ended, leading to resentment, stress, and guilt. However, understanding that this is a natural biological process allows couples to approach these challenges with greater emotional resilience and understanding. 

The Role of Play and Tension in Maintaining Attraction 

To counter the effects of the Coolidge phenomenon, Dr. Yakir suggests that couples should consciously maintain a sense of play and tension in their relationships. Relationships, she argues, thrive on a delicate balance of security and excitement. When one partner becomes too complacent or submissive, attraction often wanes. Healthy competition, flirtation, and even a touch of jealousy can reignite sexual desire and prevent the relationship from becoming stagnant. 

Foca added a perspective from the Kama Sutra, advising men never to assume they have “conquered” their partner. Constant effort and attention are required to keep the relationship dynamic and passionate, which aligns with the Tantric view of continuously deepening intimacy rather than settling into routine. 

The Biological Roots of Monogamy and Polygamy 

Dr. Yakir offers a biologically driven perspective, stating that humans are not inherently monogamous. From an evolutionary standpoint, males compete for females, with polygamous tendencies being reflected in human biology—such as larger testicles in relation to body size, indicating sperm competition. She explains that while social structures have adopted monogamy, particularly influenced by the Romans, biologically speaking, polygamy has been a natural system for humans. 

However, she acknowledges that despite these biological impulses, monogamy has become a social necessity due to the deep human need for attachment and stability. Monogamous relationships foster emotional bonds that are essential for long-term health, happiness, and support, which is why, despite our biological leanings, monogamy has persisted for so long.